Joe and I pulled in from work at the same time, and there were no snakes visible, sunning or otherwise. Joe went peering by the back door to see if the snakes were hiding under this storage unit we keep there for balls and frisbees and assorted outdoor detritus, and said, "I don't see anyth--" before jumping back in the air about three feet. Because there was this:
I don't think I realized that I was scared of snakes until that day. I knew I was scared of cockroaches--growing up in an apartment in New York made me more than familiar with that particular evolutionary success story--but I honestly can't say I've really seen a snake that big outside of a zoo, behind a guardrail and an information placard and a thick, reassuring layer of plexiglass. But now, peering out from the inside of my house at the venomous snake chilling outside, I can confirm that yeah, for sure, I'm afraid of snakes.
I mean, LOOK AT IT.
LOOK AT THAT FUCKING SNAKE!
(Borderline related: did anyone who got the iPhone 5 on release day have any input as to its improvements when it comes to low-light photography? As someone who lives in a low ceilinged ranch house with not enough windows, I am interested. Please weigh in if you're in the mood!)
Anyway, I looked at it and screamed girlishly. Then we called the kids to look at it and they did not seem particularly perturbed (or indeed even that interested), though I gave them both a stern talk nonetheless about if you see a snake don't go near it, it doesn't want to hurt you but it could bite you if it gets scared (I left out the part about tissue necrosis and the potential need for serial debriedments and fasciotomies because WHATEVER, TMI). They shrugged, glanced and the snake through the window again before going back to their Legos. But I could not be so blase about it because the snake, OMG the SNAKE.
About half an hour later the snake slithered away under some shrubbery along the side of the house, at which point we could see that the tip of its tail was a little squashed from our nanny accidentally running over it with her car when she first pulled into the driveway. We noted where the snake was headed as we had already called A Snake Guy (I believe his official title was "Wildlife Removal Specialist") to come by and check our property the next morning, and wanted to give him a little help in finding what might be the nest, or as I called it, Snake HQ.
I was on call this weekend, so when I walked to the car Saturday morning (down a poorly lit driveway that my mind inconveniently imagined to be PAVED WITH SNAKES) I did again see one snake lying there in the middle of the driveway, not moving. I didn't know if it was the same snake as yesterday and frankly I didn't care--I hurriedly got into my car (which was probably teeming with SNAKES) reached into my bag (also stuffed full of SNAKES) and started the engine (ditto SNAKES).
The Wildlife Removal Specialist showed up later that morning while I was at the hospital, and though I wasn't there, Joe said that he got rid of that one driveway snake (it was the same snake from the day before, already dead, probably from the inadvertent tail squishing--and it was inadvertent, because even though none of us like snakes and even though the snake could bite our kids/dog/selves, I don't think any of us has the stomach or cojones to kill a snake), sprinkled some "granules" in the high-suspicion region by Snake HQ (purportedly a repellent of some sort) and put down two glue traps that looked for all the world like the ones I could buy at Home Depot. Total bill: $230 for half an hour of work. He did not find a nest or any other snakes in the area, though it's not clear to me how hard he looked--half an hour in an area as dense with ground cover as our yard doesn't seem like a whole lot of time to spend combing the premises. And the glue traps were covered with leaves by that evening, so it's really uncertain how effective those are going to be.
(This is probably a good point to tell you guys that I'm quitting my job and becoming a Wildlife Removal Specialist. They have a higher hourly rate than I do and they don't have to pay malpractice insurance. All those years of medical training wasted, but whatever, sunk cost.)
So basically we have to move now, right?
I was on call this weekend, so when I walked to the car Saturday morning (down a poorly lit driveway that my mind inconveniently imagined to be PAVED WITH SNAKES) I did again see one snake lying there in the middle of the driveway, not moving. I didn't know if it was the same snake as yesterday and frankly I didn't care--I hurriedly got into my car (which was probably teeming with SNAKES) reached into my bag (also stuffed full of SNAKES) and started the engine (ditto SNAKES).
The Wildlife Removal Specialist showed up later that morning while I was at the hospital, and though I wasn't there, Joe said that he got rid of that one driveway snake (it was the same snake from the day before, already dead, probably from the inadvertent tail squishing--and it was inadvertent, because even though none of us like snakes and even though the snake could bite our kids/dog/selves, I don't think any of us has the stomach or cojones to kill a snake), sprinkled some "granules" in the high-suspicion region by Snake HQ (purportedly a repellent of some sort) and put down two glue traps that looked for all the world like the ones I could buy at Home Depot. Total bill: $230 for half an hour of work. He did not find a nest or any other snakes in the area, though it's not clear to me how hard he looked--half an hour in an area as dense with ground cover as our yard doesn't seem like a whole lot of time to spend combing the premises. And the glue traps were covered with leaves by that evening, so it's really uncertain how effective those are going to be.
(This is probably a good point to tell you guys that I'm quitting my job and becoming a Wildlife Removal Specialist. They have a higher hourly rate than I do and they don't have to pay malpractice insurance. All those years of medical training wasted, but whatever, sunk cost.)
So that's that. But what bothers me now--what really bothers me--is this: our nanny said that she returned from school pickup to find two copperheads sunning on our driveway. Two. One of them got accidentally squished by her car, and that's the one that we found, and that the wildlife guy removed. (YOU GUYS HE DIDN'T EVEN KILL THAT SNAKE HIMSELF. $230? Really?) But the other one we never saw again. So in all likelihood, we may still have a large and extremely poisonous snake still hanging around our property. He could still be in our yard. He could be hiding under my car. He could be calling me on the phone and oh my god, get out, the call is coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE.
So basically we have to move now, right?