priorities


CAL
(Lofting new Christmas present, freshly received in the mail, over his head)
Presents! Presents! Christmas! Presents! (Joyous mayhem, etcetera)

MICHELLE
Wow, a new Christmas present! Want to put it under the tree?

CAL
Mom, I love Christmas!

MICHELLE
(Somewhat rhetorically)
Why do you love Christmas?

CAL
Presents!

MICHELLE
Yes, presents are fun, aren't they? But the most important thing about Christmas is being together with your family.

CAL
And presents.

MICHELLE
Yes, presents are exciting. But what's most important, presents or people?

CAL
Presents!

MICHELLE
Presents are more important than people?

CAL
Oh, I mean people. People.

MICHELLE
That's right. Presents are fun, but people are the most important thing.

(Pause)

CAL
I thought you said, "What's most important, presents or pickles."


on the fifteen-second diagnosis

Often times in the OR, I am thankful that the patient is asleep. Not so much for their comfort and safety, though obviously that's the primary goal, but more so they don't have to hear the conversation in the OR.

Do doctors talk about their patients? Yes, of course we do. Do we talk about them differently to each other, behind closed doors (or at least closed eyelids) than we do to the patients and families themselves? Yes, we do. And I'm going to be honest, usually this is not a good thing. Sometimes it's more just about an honest exchange of information--a surgeon telling the anesthesiologist that despite the surgery they're performing, that the patient's cancer is most likely terminal, in a frank way they've been unable or unwilling to talk with the patients themselves. Sometimes we complain about patients for things that make our jobs harder, even if it's not really their fault. Morbidly obese patients are difficult to operate on, patients who have smoked three packs a day for the past 45 years are difficult to oxygenate, patients who have been on chronic steroids are difficult to start IVs on. And then sometimes, there are things said in the OR, unrepeatable things, that would make Hippocrates turn over in his grave. (Or sarcophagus, whatever.)

I am not saying that the way that doctors talk about patients when patients aren't around is OK. I'm just letting you know that it happens. Certainly, things are better now than, say, in the 1960's and 70's, when doctors would ogle their naked lady patients and everyone was clad in unfortunate nubbly earth-toned fabrics. People overall are much more PC, and people are certainly much more mindful of patient privacy and respect and just basic comfort than in the more paternalistic age of medicine, where the doctor's word was the word of God. But like any profession in a highly emotionally charged atmosphere where you work closely, day in and day out with people going through potentially life-changing events (see also: those in law enforcement, the armed forces, social work), the attitude of those in the medical profession might to the outside observer often seem callous or vulgar. And probably, sometimes it is.

My last post, I made a comment about how having more than three cats or more than five drug allergies was a soft sign for mental illness--though perhaps more accurately, I meant "neurosis." Though I had a twinge of conscience even as I was typing that last, I want to apologize for not listening to it and if my five allergy statement discounted the fact that behind every chart, there is an actual living, breathing human patient behind.

I think this is a problem we fall into a lot in medicine. When you first start medical school, you're so shiny and new, your skin so pearly pink and translucent, you take everything personally. The first time you witness a bad medical outcome, you cry. The first time a patient tells you something that is not completely true, it knocks you to the ground. The first time you make a mistake--the first of many, many, many times--you beat yourself up about it endlessly. You feel everything. Patients haunt you. Every experience leaves a stain.

And then, for better or for worse, you start to get a little jaded. Your skin thickens up. Things don't affect you quite as deeply. Big things start to become banal. At the end of my residency, called in for stat intubation for a patient in the ICU, I put in the breathing tube while chatting casually with a classmate about how her new baby was doing at home. The life-changing becomes the everyday. The catastrophic becomes the mundane. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but it certainly helps you get through the day. If I had to feel everything as intensely and deeply the way I did when I was a third or fourth year med student, there's no way I'd still be able to work today. In fact, most likely I'd be rocking back in forth in a fetal position in some sort of sensory deprivation tank. You need to toughen up in order to help your patients, but the toughening up can also have a distancing effect, sometimes to the disservice of those you're working to help.

It has been said before that the practice of medicine is all about pattern recognition. The more patients you see and the longer you've been in practice, the better you are at recognizing the patterns, and the faster you can react. Fever, nausea, elevated white count, right lower quadrant abdominal pain? Appendicitis. Tachycardia, hyperthermia, hypercapnia, muscle rigidity? Malignant hyperthermia. My guess is that the more fast-paced and stressful the work environment (the ER and the OR come to mind as probably the prime environments), the more likely practitioners are to make snap judgements. We are taught to group and classify patients, often in knee jerk ways, and while this can usually be helpful from a diagnosis and treatment point of view, this tendency towards generalization can sometimes bite us in the ass. Not all patients are a "type." Not all patients with the same list of diagnoses are the same. It might be easier if they were, but they are not, and we shouldn't act like we know more than we do just because we as medical practitioners have privileged access to people in ways that few other people do.

This was probably an overlong tangent to spin off of the fact that many have noted--myself included--that a long list of med allergies either indicates a long chronic illness or, alternatively, a patient who is a little bit kooky. That's part of that pattern recognition again--after a certain point, you just start to see patterns in everything. But I do need to be reminded, as do all of us, that there's a story behind every patient, and there's a patient behind every ID band.

(I still think that having more than three cats means you're crazy, though.)

(That's a lot of cats.)
good tidings




I for one believe that you should maximize the mileage out of your Christmas tree, which is why we usually put it up the day after Thanksgiving and keep it up until, oh, March or so. Ah, if only I were kidding. (As I have mentioned several times in the past, I would keep it up even longer than that if I could--call it an MLK tree, a Valentine's tree, a St. Patrick's Day tree by rotating the decorations) but after a certain point, I guess most people feel like having a Christmas tree up past January 1st is a soft sign for mental illness. (Another soft sign--having more than three cats, and having more than five drug "allergies" on your medical record. Oh, you know it's true.) Anyway, we don't have enough lighting in the house as it is, so the Christmas tree serves many purposes.




Thanksgiving was nice, in that it was low-key and my pie wasn't awful. Cal helped. Really, the work involved was minimal, especially given that I used a frozen pie crust--anyone can slice apples and pour a bunch of sugar and cinnamon on them. Yes, and a pinch of nutmeg, shut up about the nutmeg, Rachael Ray. The most nuanced touch Cal and I put into it was the egg wash and the sugar crust, but honestly, even a child could make this pie (and did).




I had to work the day after Thanksgiving (the OR schedule was extremely light, but there were still some cases) but I was relieved by a member of the call team by around noon and being at work was a great excuse to excuse me from of any errands that might entail going near a shopping center on Black Friday. I find the whole concept of a "doorbuster" sale highly unappealing, as it implies camping out the night before and forcibly streaming in the second the store opens, trampling whatever or whoever might get in your way to secure the latest in Tickle Me Elmo technology. Someone actually gave us a Tickle Me Elmo for Christmas a few years ago (it was the model that not only talked and shook, but also would throw itself on the ground flailing its limbs and screaming) and that little buddy ended up disemboweled of its batteries and at the bottom of a storage bin in due time.




We are going to visit my parents in New York for a few days next weekend, which should be fun except for the part where we have to travel with two kids. Cal will be fine--he's old enough that he can be entertained by any number of things, be it drawing or activity books or DVDs or endlessly writing strings of cramped letters and numbers on a page until the entire surface is filled. (At best, I think, great, a facility for math and reading! But sometimes it looks a little serial killer-y, like Kevin Spacey in "Seven.") Mack, however, will probably be tougher to handle, as he has neither the attention nor the inclination towards distractibility and probably spends 80% of his waking time trying to inflict bodily harm to himself. It just makes him feel so alive. You could put him in a room full of colorful toddler-appropriate toys that light up and play music and teach you Latin while giving you a massage, and the first thing he'd gravitate towards would be the single outlet in the room, so he could try to stick the box cutter into it.




(Never fear, o vigilant internet, the ornament is plastic! As well as delicious. He will be shitting glitter for days.)

I haven't been back to New York for about a year and a half, which is far and away the longest I've been away from home (as I will probably always continue to think of it, no matter how long we've been here). The only time I haven't lived in Manhattan was for college, and that was just in Boston. In those carefree, pre-9/11 days, going between Boston and New York was as easy as hopping on the subway--one time, lacking any other form of identification, I even got on the plane with my library card. It would be great to be visit New York regardless of what time of year we went, but there's something great about the city at Christmas, so I'm especially glad that we can be there close to the holidays. I can't wait to take Cal to see the tree at Rockefeller Center. I've said this before but I'll say it again, because I am old and this is what old people do. It's one thing to enjoy the holidays (and I do), but it's a whole other thing to watch your kids enjoy the holidays. Kind of reminds you what it was like to be a kid yourself.


unorthodox, but grateful nonetheless

I got my first driver's license a little more than a month ago. I KNOW. However, since then, I have driven to and from work every single day, and even though I don't really know how to go anywhere else and I get really nervous whenever I have to deviate from that home-work-home route, I'm kind of getting used to driving. This is a big step for me, as every time got behind the wheel even two or three months ago would have me shaking with white-knuckled terror. I can even change lanes on the highway now without activating my fight or flight response. I am becoming a normal person.


MICHELLE
I wouldn't say it's enjoyable, but driving is becoming...satisfying. You know, like any other repetitive, habituated behavior.

JOE
(Brightly)
Like pooping!

(Long pause)

MICHELLE
No...not like pooping.


I used to not even be able to hold a conversation while I was driving (truth be told--I still don't like to talk when I'm driving somewhere that I'm not familiar) but at least with my commute to and from work, I recently progressed to being able to listen to the radio--the soft rock station only at first, until it started to drive my slowly insane--and now I am comfortable enough that I can listen to my podcasts* again. I can actually listen to other people having a conversation, concentrate on the conversation, and not veer off the road. Do you know what a big deal this is? It is. It is a very big deal.

I AM THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD AND I JUST GOT MY FIRST DRIVER'S LICENSE.

So anyway, I can drive now is all I have to say. And I drove my kids around (twice!) when Joe wasn't around and we had to get somewhere and I had no other choice, and we all lived! Even though I had to tell Cal don't talk to Mommy while she's driving the car


CAL
Why?

MICHELLE
Because I have to concentrate.

CAL
What's "concentrate" mean?

MICHELLE
Concentrate means when you have to think hard about something.

CAL
Why do you have to think hard?

MICHELLE
Because...shh. Shhh. I just do, just...shhh.

CAL
Mom, why did you say "Shh?"

MICHELLE
Cal, don't talk to Mommy while she's driving!

CAL
But Mom, you're not driving.

MICHELLE
Well, I'm in the car, sitting behind the steering wheel.

CAL
(Pityingly)
But it's a red light.

MICHELLE
That's it, no more talking forever.


Um...Happy Thanksgiving!


* I used to only have the "This American Life" podcast to fall back on, but as of late I am in love with "Jordan Jesse Go!" because it is funny and I don't want to be depressed about the war in Afghanistan or teenage runaway heroin addicts first thing in the morning. If you can suggest any other similar funny podcasts, please advise. (I am trying to get the comments section back online but it has been disabled for so long that I kind of don't know how to do it. Bear with me.)
just desserts

Am I supposed to feel like a loser when people ask me what we're doing for Thanksgiving and I have nothing to tell them? Nothing. We are doing nothing for Thanksgiving. We're probably going to pop over to a friend's for lunch (they live about a block down the street), but aside from that, we don't have family in town nor are we planning to cook anything elaborate, and I have to work on Friday anyway, so even the four-day weekend aspect of the holiday has lost its impact. Maybe I will make some mashed potatoes for dinner on Thursday. Maybe. But honestly, aside from the spirit of Thanksgiving--reflection, being grateful, time with family etcetera--I don't care much about the machinations of Thanksgiving, the manic preparation and ensuing frenzied cooking in particular. (Right now, somewhere out in Ohio, my mother-in-law has read that last bit and gone blind. But everyone already knows that my housewiffery is not renown, I never prevaricated otherwise.)

But anyway, as mentioned, we are going to a friend's house for Thanksgiving lunch, and as such, I felt obligated to bring something--I offered dessert. This is called "being a good guest." As opposed to showing up empty-handed, eating everything and leaving, I guess. Like I said, I really don't like to cook. In particular I loathe the cleanup but I don't really enjoy the actual cooking along the way, either, although I do it occasionally as it is a means to an end. (The end being eating.) But I have in the past made apple pie, and though the recipe is nothing special or prized (the secret ingredient is LOVE! No actually, it's extra sugar) it usually turns out pretty good and doesn't look terrible, unlike that time that I decided to make tuna casserole not via the Tuna Helper box and the results looked like something died in the pan, and something ate the carcass and then threw it up again. So, apple pie it is. I'm not going crazy or anything, I bought a frozen pie crust from Trader Joe's, but I have real apples and butter and sugar and whatnot to fill it with.

Ever since I mentioned that I am going to make this apple pie, Joe has been after me to pick up a cake from the local bakery to bring with us to Thanksgiving lunch. As this lunch is a rather small affair (it's just going to be our family and their family, and our family will only account for about 25% of the food consumed, as one member is still mostly in the soft solids phase of mastication and the other refuses to eat anything that doesn't taste like breaded chicken with ketchup) I brought up the point that we were already bringing a pie, why would we bring cake and pie? It's like stripes and polka dots, one or the other, am I right? But Joe was weirdly insistent on the cake point, reminding me again and again that we had to go get a cake, bring a cake, buy a cake. After mentioning it for, oh, the tenth time, I began to suspect that possibly the reason that he kept wanting to pick up a cake in addition is because he thought that my apple pie was going to turn out shitty, and that he wanted to have a backup dessert option so that in the event of a last-minute pie fiasco on Thanksgiving Day when everything was closed, we'd have something to bring to lunch aside from a six pack of beer and a half-empty bag of Cheetos.

Well, it didn't matter anyone since neither of us got out of work early enough to get to the bakery before it closed for the holidays. But! I got a festive box (perhaps this is overstating it's decorative value somewhat--but there is a picture of a reindeer on it at least) from Target and have filled it with cookies. I did not make the cookies, but hey, don't ask, don't tell, right? At first I was making an effort to choose cookies that weren't so obviously out of a package (for example, ix-nay on the int ilanos-may) but then as I was unboxing the cookies and fluffing them in their decorative container I noticed that the more fancy chocolate coated of the selection had the words PEPPERIDGE FARM embossed rather vulgarly all over the back end of them, so I guess the gig is up. Anyway, it's not like anyone cares if the treats are from a box or not. Cookies are cookies, and everyone likes cookies. Especially Squanto.

I'm not really sure what my point was when I started writing this entry, except that it was maybe that I am terrible at the mechanics of a traditional American Thanksgiving. The sentiment, however, I am pretty OK at.
the solution to having no time is just to type very fast

When we moved into this new house the first week of October (cripes, almost two months ago--the fact that we appear to live in a shantytown of cardboard boxing is getting harder and harder to explain away) I could see that the backyard was once beautiful. Certainly it had some stately old growth, two stunning Japanese maples in particular, but no one had really lived here for at least a year before we moved in, so you could see the sort of soft slide into decay--the overgrown ivy, the lawn in need of raking, the decrepit-looking swing set in the back that I have declared off-limits as it appears to to not only consist solely of sharp snapped-off pieces of wood, it also plays host to a good percentage of the yard's wildlife. The backyard, it's looking a little wild, like someone's going to plant a sign in the middle of some of a deeper overgrowth inscribed, "NATURE WINS." But it has potential, you know? And someday, maybe someone (possibly us, though unclear--we're just renting, after all) will get in there, plant some stuff, pull up some other stuff, put in a new playground set, clear off the stone path, and it will be a pretty great backyard.

That's kind of how I feel about this website.

Unlike a yard, though, I actually sort of know how to upkeep a website. I know it's not really obvious, since I haven't really had the time to do much with this space as of late (see: two kids, myocarditis spouse, big move, book revisions), but I have some ideas in my mind of some new content that I might start to feature, which will take this blog back a little more in the medical direction. There may be some video. There may be some special guests. We will see the return of open reader comments. I still have to work on fleshing it out, but there is stuff in the works, and I hope you're going to like it. In any event, and in the meantime, here are some pictures of from Halloween and this past weekend. See you again soon.













(Full disclosure: I Photoshopped a booger out of Mack's nose in that last photo. You're welcome.)