just like the griswolds




So, one of the many things that has happened since I last updated in May is that we went on our vacation the week of Memorial Day. We went to this place. And it was fun, but I realized something about myself, which is that when it comes to my kids, I am both filled with guilt and deeply neurotic. (Hey, I didn't say it was a new insight, guys.) While I think this tendency is likely multifactorial, I think in large part it is probably related to the fact that I started having kids early in my medical training, and am therefore accustomed to feeling like I am wronging everyone equally no matter what I do.




(Mack in particular feels wronged. He also feels like John Belushi.)

So, Tyler Place. We (that is to say, I) first heard about Tyler Place when I was looking for a fun place to go on our annual family vacation, with the stipulation in place that this place could not under any circumstances be in Florida. (This was way, way before the oil spill, I started making arrangements last fall, so that's not the reason. It's just that every other family vacation we've ever taken has been in Florida because it's cheap and close by and Mickey Mouse lives there. So, NO FLORIDA.)

I also was looking for a place where Joe and I would get a chance to spend some time together. One unfortunate effect of having two parents who work long hours is that while we can for the most part swap who's working late which nights (we schedule and trade and do what it takes so that one of us will always be home to at least bathe the kids and put them to bed), what ends up happening is that when one of us is home, usually the other is not. So there are many weeks where outside of nights and weekends (even those are dodgy, depending on whether or not one of us is on call) we really don't see each other very much. Obviously not ideal, but for now, it's how it has to be.




Tyler Place seemed like it would really fit the bill. First of all, it's in Vermont, which, unless my American public school education has totally failed me, I'm pretty sure is not in Florida. Secondly, it was billed as some sort of family mecca, a place where overstressed parents and kids of all ages could come for a week to unwind, relax, and be entertained both together and apart. See, a big selling point of Tyler Place is that it's like some kind of mega-camp for kids and for adults. Kids have activities all day long. Even baby kids (like Mack) are assigned personal sitters that take them on outings and engage them in activities in the mornings and the evenings, feeding them all meals and taking care of their every whim from dusk 'til dawn.




Meanwhile, parents are also encouraged to take advantage of the camp-like atmosphere and basically do everything that you would want to do if you didn't have your damn kids hanging off you every second of the day. Other people snoozed in hammocks, took art classes, went on hikes, did yoga, took day trips to Montreal, what have you. (Note I said other people. I'm getting to that part.) Food and drinks are all included in the resort fee, as are all the activity expenses. Normally, I think such a trip would probably fall outside our vacation budget (not only the expense of such all-inclusive chicanery, but also factoring in the cost of flying our carcasses in there, etcetera), but the week I chose, the week of Memorial Day, was something like 50% off the peak-season price range. Which seemed strange to me, because come on, Memorial Day, but then I realized why:




Sweaters in June. Hello Vermont, you are truly the snowy north.

People love this place, did I mention that? They love it. There are people there who have been coming there every year for the past five, six, seven years, people who plan their whole yeararound their annual trip to Tyler Place, people who have made lifelong friendships from these summers in Vermont. And it is very nice. There were some things that we liked a lot. First of all, the food and drink really were superb, and the accomodations were simple but comfortable. The childcare staff was excellent--they were so thoughtful, you could tell they really liked the kids, and scads of them had these charming British and Australian accents. The waterfront was gorgeous, with plenty of activities for the enthusiast. And of course there was Cal's favorite part, which is that you get your own bike the day you check in, that you're encouraged to ride everywhere on the grounds. He was one of the youngest kids there who was riding a two-wheeler, a realization that was, for him, one of the highlights of the entire trip.




The problem? The problem was that every time I would drop Cal and Mack off at their respective clubhouses for a day filled with organic local foods and swimming and treasure hunts and poking other babies in the eye, I felt terrible. Terrible. I felt like a terrible parent. Here we were, working such long hours in our regular lives, only to come on vacation--come on a family vacation--only to dump our kids off so that someone else can have fun with them? This felt sad. Every time after we dropped off the kids, Joe and I didn't know what to do. Did we want to go on a hike? No. Did we want to go take an archery lesson? No. Did we want to join in on the watercolor course on the sundeck? I got paints at home, dude. Did we want to take a Zumba class? OK, now you're not even speaking English anymore.

However, did we want to tiptoe up to the kid's clubhouse and peek in through the window like creeps, making sure that Cal was having fun in his group? Yes indeedy do!




The fact of it is that it might not have been quite the right kind of structure for our kind of family vacation. We probably could have used something a little more free-form, and that's my fault for not realizing that. But I kind of started to feel like there was something wrong with me. Because the other parents were enjoying themselves so much. They loved having all those child-free hours, taking advantage of all the adult-only activities. (It kind of sounds like I'm talking about secret sex parties when I say "adult-only activities," but I'm more referring to doubles tennis and karaoke night.) They were participating in everything. Joe and I were just worriedly wringing our hands, pretending to play Scrabble at the inn while checking our watches obsessively until it was time to collect our offspring. We felt like we were wasting our vacation time without them.




The thing is when you work long hours, and have been working long hours since your children have been born, when your kids say "I want to spend time with you" it is very, very difficult not to feel terrible about pushing them away. Of course they want to do stuff with us. They're our kids. We're their parents. The last thing we want to do is come on a family trip and feel like we're pawning them off on other people to take care of.




Cal did do some of the activities with his group, but we pulled him out of "camp" for as many days as he was in it, using the time that Mack was in his group to do some special activities with Cal that we wouldn't be able to do with the baby in tow. (Which is basically everything.) And that's not to say that Cal didn't enjoy the activities with his group either. In particular, he loved "Pirate Night," a evening where they took all the four and five-year olds on a pontoon boat out to this little island and staged a pirate battle after which booty was reclaimed and distributed amongst the slack-jawed children. (The booty was candy and plastic bedazzled trinkets. Cal got a ridiculous green jeweled ring, which he very earnestly showed us, told us he intended to use as his ring "when he got married," and proceeded to wear to bed.)

I don't mean it to sound like we didn't have fun at Tyler Place, because really, we did, and the people there were so gracious and lovely that I feel like a shitheel for even sounding like I'm complaining when really, it was a wonderful family trip. But I work a lot of hours in my non-vacation life, and I miss my kids when I'm not with them. And though one of the highlights of the week for me was the opportunity to have dinner every night in a dining room with other adults, putting food into my own mouth with a fork as opposed to fielding projectile food particles while getting up from the table thirty thousand times to fetch another glass of milk/napkin/clean spoon/change of pants--there were points that week where I missed that too. So clearly, I am insane.

In sum: Vermont was pretty. We had fun. I felt guilty for every moment that I was not with my children. I will grow up to be a creepy and socially inappropriate mom who tags alongside her full-grown sons, insisting shrilly that they give their mother a kiss, what was that look for, DON'T YOU LOVE ME?




The end.

(Full photo set here.)
sneak preview

So hi! I am here! I have a lot of things to catch up on here, but for now, let me just show you this: a sneak preview of the cover design of my book.



It may not be called "Scutmonkey" anymore, but I'm proud to say that the flavor remains.

More later.
hi again

I'm posting! Two days in a row! Because I am nothing if not inconsistent in the attention to which I pay this blog!

So Cal and I made the cookies, and I'm not going to tell you that they all turned out great, because while 23 of them turned out in decent enough shape to send to school, 15 of them (the ones on the pan closest to the bottom rack of the oven) turned out like this:





OK looking on one side, horror charred cinder on the other. Just like the Phantom of the Opera.

They still tasted OK though, so while I sent the 23 aesthetic ones to school in a box (luckily there are 22 kids in Cal's class), I couldn't quite bring myself to throw out the burned-on-the-bottom ones, because hey, don't waste food. So overall, carbonization aside, I would classify the cookie-making as a marginal success of family activity cum math lesson. If I have a pan with three rows of five how many cookies do I have and how many more do I need to make to make sure everyone in your class gets one cookie, etcetera. Not that I have to trick Cal into learning math (he actually has a wonkish devotion to all things mathematical and clamors for us to get him math workbooks, which I find alternately weird and satisfying) but it's always nice to have real life applicability.

Oh, one more thing from inside Target. Who else thinks that Blue Bell needs to update the packaging on their individually-wrapped ice cream products line?





The second one in particular is horrifying. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? She ate too many ice cream sandwiches, that's what. And now LOOK AT HER.

And now, for no other reason than because she looks cute, a picture of Cooper.




Periodically I am obligated to show some sort of photographic evidence to my mother in law that we are not KILLING THE DOG as she so heartily insists. Look, it's not that we don't care about the dog, it's just when you have two kids, the dog is not your third kid, the dog is a dog. I know several people who have dogs-as-children who are about to have human children soon, and I keep trying to warn them that look, I know you love your dog, but be prepared, Rover/Spot/Cujo is in for a major downgrade in status. On one hand, it's kind of pathetic for the dog. But on the other hand, I don't give my children squeaky tennis balls to chew. So there you go.
ok, ok

I haven't updated for a while, to the point that I was starting to get performance anxiety about my next post, like after two weeks off, whatever I put up there better be good. (You can see, of course, the ultra high standards to which I have held my blog in these past few months--that is to say, I try to mostly capitalize where needed and I do not use Microsoft Paint to draw pictures of penises onto people's faces.) But then I remembered that the best way to break out of that no-writing funk was just to throw a bunch of writing up there and just apologize in advance. So!

Really I just need something to do because the chatter on the internet (in the form of the SDN forums--I find it a little embarrassing calling attention to the fact they are globally known as the Student Doctor Network as I know that a good many people who check by on the forums are actually finished with the "student" phase of their lives; I in particular only check in with it to assess when I should be freaking out about a thing and how much I should be freaking) is that the results of the Anesthesia Oral Boards are to be posted today and I need something else to do instead of ritualistically checking my e-mail every five or ten minutes. So this is good, because I am writing this blog entry on my new iPad (about which more later--I got a bluetooth keyboard to pair with it so I can actually type more than 20 words per minute) and since the iPad famously cannot multitask, I can't exit out the check my e-mail without closing this window. This is known as forced distraction.

So, the iPad! It was a present. From me. To myself. We got the next installment of my book advance recently, and though I kept telling Joe that I wasn't going to use it to get anything for myself, I would just put it in the bank and save it for bills or childcare or to send Mack to Space College (for, as you know, that is what all kids will attend in The Future--no, not Starfleet Academy, that's fictional, I'm talking about a university on the moon), I found after looking deep within my soul that actually, I really, really did want an iPad. And also, Joe just started his attending job at [Big Academic Hospital] in town, which means that we are actually a two income family now with a little more to save, so what the hell am I, Hamlet? I got the fucking iPad. And it is awesome.

The best, best thing that I love about the iPad is the fact that I can download Kindle books onto it, and I can already tell that this is going to change my freaking life. Back when the iPad was just a glimmer in Steve Job's eye, I was seriously considering getting a Kindle, though I ultimately didn't because I was trying to save my pennies. But the iPad is like a bright, color Kindle on which you can surf the internet, listen to podcasts, and play Plants vs. Zombies. If you got a boner just now, I'm pretty sure that you would like the iPad. And now I'm going to stop because who isn't already sick of hearing about this thing?


* * *


So I went to Target the other day to get some cookie mix, because Cal's class is having a "summer birthday party" celebration for all the kids who, by disadvantage of conception, celebrate their birthdays during summer vacation. Cal's birthday is July 22nd, so I'm going to send him in with some cookies for the party, because I want to pretend like I'm a real mom or something. I know that making cookies from a dry mix is not very impressive, but we're going to put M&Ms in them so who's going to tell me that's not totally fucking creative? YOU?

Anyway, so I was walking to the checkout line when I heard some lady talking what sounded very much like Cantonese, except the words didn't make any sense. For those of you who don't speak Cantonese, the sound of the language is very characteristic because it has a lot of tones and a lot of wide, flat vowel-type sounds (there was actually a great "Radiolab" episode about such so-called "tone-languages,"--but I digress), and I was looking around for the other Chinese lady when I realized that the sounds were actually being emitted by the lady at cash register, who was, in fact, a youngish African-American lady. She very pleasantly then turned to me and waved me over. "I can take you at this register." So I pushed my cart into her line and paid for my cookie mix.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I didn't see you." I told her that was OK, thinking she was still talking about ringing up my items. But then she went on. "My friend over there," she gestured to the other cashier one line over, a younger guy, "always says that I look Chinese, because my eyes are slanty." She used her fingers to push up the corners of her eyes, to illustrate what exactly she meant. "So he always calls me Chinese. So we just joke around and I pretend to talk Chinese to him." She smiled at me. "So that's what that was. I didn't see you." She handed me my bag of cookie mix. "I just didn't want you to think I was disrespecting you or anything."

She seemed so nice and so utterly without guile that I just smiled at her and told her that her Chinese language impression was actually pretty good.


* * *


I'm going to go check my email again.

Edited to add: I passed! U-S-A! U-S-A!